And while I know my husband has only my best interests at heart, I can only describe what happened as a total mental lapse…

Completely unbeknownst to me, my husband had this great idea the other night to call up my biological father. This has to be absolutely the world’s worst time in my life for this, as I am currently juggling my home, my full time job and 4 courses this semester; I hardly have time to deal with the bizarre whirlwind of emotions that take over me when I think about contacting my biological father.

Apparently, he left a message, and then shock of all shocks, the bio calls him back the next morning. Lance called me at work to tell me the news. I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t.

damn.

Turns out the bio was more than a little surprised when my husband told him the reason behind his call. He freaked. Not in a good way.

damn.

The bio’s wife called Lance a little later, searching for more information. She’s sweet, and having grown up with a father who was uninvolved, she is eager to bridge the gap and make it easier for me and the bio to communicate. She and my husband agree that she will call me that evening while the bio is at work. Again, Lance calls me at work to break the news, all except for that last part. I don’t know anything about that.

Work is hectic and I am having a hard time keeping it together. I continually feel my eyes well up for no apparent reason and I can’t shake an unexplainable tightness in my chest.

damn.

The emotions are unreal. Too much to handle. This is exactly why I have avoided this for so long. I feel completely overwhelmed and I want to cry, scream and break out into hysterical laughter all at the same time. Not only is this physically impossible, but I am at work, and even a miserable attempt at release is not feasible.

damn.

I get home. I cry. I’m not sure why, I just can’t help it. I can tell my husband is worried that he has messed up. It’s okay, I’m not mad. I pour a stiff drink and go to wash my face. The phone rings and my husband walks in and hands me the phone. He looks scared and he doesn’t say a word.

damn.

“Shannon, this is Nancy ….” blah, blah blah … I can hardly breathe.

damn.

After the initial shock fades, I find that she is easy to talk to and the next few hours slip away before we know it. She agrees to send pictures and so do I. She tells me that if its okay with me, she will have the bio call me tomorrow.

damn.

This morning, I opened the email with the pictures. Much to my surprise, there’s a resemblance. I look alot like my mom, so that wasn’t really expected.

damn.

I feel foolish, and more and more so as I sit around waiting. My mind is frazzled. I can’t get anything done. Everytime the phone rings, my heart leaps into my throat and I try to answer with the most intelligent-sounding ‘hello’ I can muster. Time wanes and I don’t understand why I feel so disappointed, hurt. I cry.

damn.

What was I thinking?