I have been searching for a religion that will fit my beliefs, but I think maybe I should put more focus on a positive way to live, because I know what I believe.

I have created a short list of rules I try to live by and just good basic practices:

Do unto others as you would have done unto you: You can’t go wrong with the Golden Rule. This goes hand in with ‘practice random acts of kindness.’

Bloom where you are planted: make the most of the hand you are dealt, do your absolute best and continually give thanks for the blessings.

Accept what you cannot change. Realize that some people are never going to be the people you thought they might be and be ok with that.

(from the Four Agreements:)
Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

And while I know my husband has only my best interests at heart, I can only describe what happened as a total mental lapse…

Completely unbeknownst to me, my husband had this great idea the other night to call up my biological father. This has to be absolutely the world’s worst time in my life for this, as I am currently juggling my home, my full time job and 4 courses this semester; I hardly have time to deal with the bizarre whirlwind of emotions that take over me when I think about contacting my biological father.

Apparently, he left a message, and then shock of all shocks, the bio calls him back the next morning. Lance called me at work to tell me the news. I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t.

damn.

Turns out the bio was more than a little surprised when my husband told him the reason behind his call. He freaked. Not in a good way.

damn.

The bio’s wife called Lance a little later, searching for more information. She’s sweet, and having grown up with a father who was uninvolved, she is eager to bridge the gap and make it easier for me and the bio to communicate. She and my husband agree that she will call me that evening while the bio is at work. Again, Lance calls me at work to break the news, all except for that last part. I don’t know anything about that.

Work is hectic and I am having a hard time keeping it together. I continually feel my eyes well up for no apparent reason and I can’t shake an unexplainable tightness in my chest.

damn.

The emotions are unreal. Too much to handle. This is exactly why I have avoided this for so long. I feel completely overwhelmed and I want to cry, scream and break out into hysterical laughter all at the same time. Not only is this physically impossible, but I am at work, and even a miserable attempt at release is not feasible.

damn.

I get home. I cry. I’m not sure why, I just can’t help it. I can tell my husband is worried that he has messed up. It’s okay, I’m not mad. I pour a stiff drink and go to wash my face. The phone rings and my husband walks in and hands me the phone. He looks scared and he doesn’t say a word.

damn.

“Shannon, this is Nancy ….” blah, blah blah … I can hardly breathe.

damn.

After the initial shock fades, I find that she is easy to talk to and the next few hours slip away before we know it. She agrees to send pictures and so do I. She tells me that if its okay with me, she will have the bio call me tomorrow.

damn.

This morning, I opened the email with the pictures. Much to my surprise, there’s a resemblance. I look alot like my mom, so that wasn’t really expected.

damn.

I feel foolish, and more and more so as I sit around waiting. My mind is frazzled. I can’t get anything done. Everytime the phone rings, my heart leaps into my throat and I try to answer with the most intelligent-sounding ‘hello’ I can muster. Time wanes and I don’t understand why I feel so disappointed, hurt. I cry.

damn.

What was I thinking?

Journal Regarding My Hair

My rantings on my 'hairbrained' scheme (ahem, pun intended)to let my hair grow for such a lovely cause. This experience gave me a lesson on my own patience. Turns out, I have none ...

If I don't just pull my hair out first — Mar 13, 2006
Okay … so this is a pretty drastic undertaking for me … My hair length generally fluctuates somewhere between boyish-pixie to almost chin-length bob. I need 10 to 12 inches to donate. hmmmmmmmm

Well, on the upside, my hair grows wicked fast so I figure I will have enough hair before Thanksgiving … or Christmas.

And despite the fact that I have managed not to cut my hair since just before Christmas (12 weeks, woo hoo!), I am starting to have my doubts. My hair has made it to the “royal pain stage” and is somewhere between too long and not long enough. Anatomically, this falls just between my chin and shoulders…. Its too long to do anything with, but not quite long enough to make it into a pony tail without losing some along the way … and I do hate a partial pony.

So here I am, with my hair all in my face and creeping down my collar. I know this is for a good cause, but does that mean I have to look like a train wreck? ...Hope is just around the corner. A few more weeks, and I should have a half-way decent pony tail. Smooth sailing from there, right?

Just to be safe, I should instruct my stylist that she is not to cut my hair even if I crawl on the floor and beg …ya know, just in case I crack …

I don't know if I can make it ... — Mar 23, 2006
This is getting ridiculous. Who knew something as simple and thoughtless as HAIR could cause so much damn stress in my life?! I usually have very easy hair…maintenance free, always falls right in place, easy hair. Now after letting it grow just a few inches, I have the hair from hell. It has taken over my life. It drives me crazy. It constantly looks amess and unruly and there’s just no controlling it. It has a mind of its own. I want to get a buzz cut just to show my hair who’s boss.

This goal started out as something to make me feel good about myself, but unfortunately it has had quite the opposite effect. I feel and look disheveled … this is affecting my self-esteem and my self-image. Not what I was going for.

I think I will make an appointment with my stylist, send Locks of Love a check and call it a day.

I’m weak, I know … — Apr 18, 2006
I tried …. really, I did….

and now I’m struggling, not wanting to feel guilty over this but the bottom line is this:

I started this goal thinking that it would be a source of positive energy in my life. It turned out to be anything but. Causing myself misery and stress is not what charity is about, and it is not what I hoped to achieve when I made this goal. So, technically, I have given up. In reality, I have re-evaluated my choices.

Besides, my new haircut looks fabulous ...

And even if just to ease my conscience, I sent Locks of Love a check.

I am in no way exceptional. I have not deluded myself into thinking that my opinion should carry any more weight than that of the next guy. But, then again, being unpretentious in today's society is something of a small feat within itself.