I have been searching for a religion that will fit my beliefs, but I think maybe I should put more focus on a positive way to live, because I know what I believe.

I have created a short list of rules I try to live by and just good basic practices:

Do unto others as you would have done unto you: You can’t go wrong with the Golden Rule. This goes hand in with ‘practice random acts of kindness.’

Bloom where you are planted: make the most of the hand you are dealt, do your absolute best and continually give thanks for the blessings.

Accept what you cannot change. Realize that some people are never going to be the people you thought they might be and be ok with that.

(from the Four Agreements:)
Be Impeccable With Your Word: Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don’t Take Anything Personally: Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

Don’t Make Assumptions: Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always Do Your Best: Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

And while I know my husband has only my best interests at heart, I can only describe what happened as a total mental lapse…

Completely unbeknownst to me, my husband had this great idea the other night to call up my biological father. This has to be absolutely the world’s worst time in my life for this, as I am currently juggling my home, my full time job and 4 courses this semester; I hardly have time to deal with the bizarre whirlwind of emotions that take over me when I think about contacting my biological father.

Apparently, he left a message, and then shock of all shocks, the bio calls him back the next morning. Lance called me at work to tell me the news. I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t.

damn.

Turns out the bio was more than a little surprised when my husband told him the reason behind his call. He freaked. Not in a good way.

damn.

The bio’s wife called Lance a little later, searching for more information. She’s sweet, and having grown up with a father who was uninvolved, she is eager to bridge the gap and make it easier for me and the bio to communicate. She and my husband agree that she will call me that evening while the bio is at work. Again, Lance calls me at work to break the news, all except for that last part. I don’t know anything about that.

Work is hectic and I am having a hard time keeping it together. I continually feel my eyes well up for no apparent reason and I can’t shake an unexplainable tightness in my chest.

damn.

The emotions are unreal. Too much to handle. This is exactly why I have avoided this for so long. I feel completely overwhelmed and I want to cry, scream and break out into hysterical laughter all at the same time. Not only is this physically impossible, but I am at work, and even a miserable attempt at release is not feasible.

damn.

I get home. I cry. I’m not sure why, I just can’t help it. I can tell my husband is worried that he has messed up. It’s okay, I’m not mad. I pour a stiff drink and go to wash my face. The phone rings and my husband walks in and hands me the phone. He looks scared and he doesn’t say a word.

damn.

“Shannon, this is Nancy ….” blah, blah blah … I can hardly breathe.

damn.

After the initial shock fades, I find that she is easy to talk to and the next few hours slip away before we know it. She agrees to send pictures and so do I. She tells me that if its okay with me, she will have the bio call me tomorrow.

damn.

This morning, I opened the email with the pictures. Much to my surprise, there’s a resemblance. I look alot like my mom, so that wasn’t really expected.

damn.

I feel foolish, and more and more so as I sit around waiting. My mind is frazzled. I can’t get anything done. Everytime the phone rings, my heart leaps into my throat and I try to answer with the most intelligent-sounding ‘hello’ I can muster. Time wanes and I don’t understand why I feel so disappointed, hurt. I cry.

damn.

What was I thinking?